Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
