1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
