After last night, I could never be a politician.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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