i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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