If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
