So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
