well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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