It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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