I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
