I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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