Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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