Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
