Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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