Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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