Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
