My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
