you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
