she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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