The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
