y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sext me about skeletons
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
