Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
