I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
