how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
