i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
