I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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