the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sober January is a disaster.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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