So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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