So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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