I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
