Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
