So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
