Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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