I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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