you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
