I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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