maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
