When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
