Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
