Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
