i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
