my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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