Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
