Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
