Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
