The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
