i need an iv and a liver transplant
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My balls are so social today.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
