I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
