Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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