ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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