the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
