my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
